Appalling

My thoughts are with the people of Bombay / Mumbai tonight....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27928718?GT1=43001

For whatever that might be worth.

I am thankful that my wife and I are still together.

People went out of my life this year, and for much of it I thought my wife was going to be one of them. I am grateful to her for offering me another chance.

I was in a great deal of pain over the past year, of which the hole the doctors cut in my head last Thanksgiving was only the most obvious, and far from being the most painful. Some of that pain I took out on my wife in ways that now make me cringe with shame. Very little of what I put her through was deserved.

Mainly, though, I look back thankfully on the good times she and I have had. There were a lot more good times than bad, after all. And I look forward to good times yet to come, and give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.

Reflections

If I had it to do all over again, how would I do things?

If I could rewrite my life so that it did not include the pain I caused to my wife, and to R, and to N, and to others . . . .

But in that case, I would not have had so many good, rewarding experiences, ranging from the birth of R-boy to the simple good times I had with each of my lovers.

So I am in the position of feeling terribly guilty over actions by which I benefitted immensely, some of which I simply could not wish undone.

So what does that make me?

Maybe just...an American.

Uncle C, Contact Me

Uncle C, please e-mail me at dr_psycho1960@hotmail.com

I think each of us could learn things that are useful to us.

Life is Full of Surprises

Strange, strange. Until today, this was the blurb for this blog:

Life is full of surprises. Two years ago I thought I was a happily married man in an open relationship who would remain married to my wife for the rest of our lives. Now I'm in the process of divorce and courting the mother of my child.

I was all set to move in with R this month, and then....

My wife asked me to give her another chance: three months to show me that we could live together better and happier than we had ever been before. I told R that I was deeply tempted by the offer, and thought that maybe I owed it to her to let her try again. R reluctantly agreed to allow me the three-month trial.

I'm not sure if I said or did something wrong, or gave R some kind of wrong impression, or if maybe it was simply that when I took my wife up on her offer, but R took it very badly. She showered me with blistering abuse for several days, in response to which I tried to be polite and respectful.

Although she had previously given me many assurances that she would always allow me to spend time with our child, R revoked that offer and swore that I would never see him again.

I don't know whether R will feel differently in the future. Hell, I don't even know whether my wife and I will be able to work things out, although she has frankly surprised me so far. If I do wind up staying with my wife, I know that R and I will probably never be entirely comfortable with one another, but I hope that I will be able to offer R and her child whatever help and friendship I am able.

And although neither my wife nor R want to hear it right now, I will say once more, for the record, that I love R and always will.

Now, Always and Forever.

Now What?

I have always said, "There is a way", but what if there isn't?Perhaps I have put myself in a position from which there is no honorable way to move, no way to avoid a choice that breaks the heart of at least one person I would rather die than hurt.But to choose death myself would only cause still more pain than any choice I can make. So what then?

I have no idea.

Talk

As my wife, K, and I proceed towards divorce (yes, I did finally "make up my mind"), I find that she and I are having surprisingly substantial and revealinmg conversations, better than the ones we tried to have the week before.

I am reminded of a documentary I saw once in which a man who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness talked about how he enjoyed the feeling of freedom he now felt, one benefit at least of his condition. By the end of the film, he was in remission, and he wondered whether he could ever get back that wonderful sense of freedom, since he thought it would actually be more use to him now that he had the prospect of a normal life span. That is kind of the way I feel about my newfound ability to talk with K, now that she apparently is not going to be my wife any more: that if we could resume our relationship now, with this new ability to talk freely, we could have a good life together.

But I doubt that is going to happen, and anyway I am proceeding toward a new life with R at this point.

And yes, looking forward to it.