Friday, July 9, 2010

So Terribly Sorry

It is so hard to restore trust once it has been broken.

And so easy, when a person doesn't trust you, to give offense without meaning to.

So hard to rebuild a friendship.

And when your time is limited....

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Try It And See

Some years ago, a person I knew professionally said that going on an antidepressant was the best thing that had ever happened to her.
"They should hand out free samples on streetcorners," she said. After all, she reasoned, those who weren't helped by it could simply not take it again.
I'm not sure I would go that far, but I do wish that I had tried Wellbutrin sooner.
I'm being cautious here, since I'm only on my second week, but I do think that it is helping.
Last night, I finally got a clear picture in my mind of how I have been living my life these past fifty years: I pictured myself swimming on my back in a sea of foul, dirty water, knowing that at any moment I might make a false move and sink into it.
Or, it's like that kind of dream where you are aware that you are dreaming, but it feels as though if you can ease smoothly into wakefulness without breaking the spell, then the dog really will have come home alive after all -- only the "dream" in this case is the notion that life is worth living.
That's how I have spent most of my life: at any moment, I might remember some obligation I have not yet carried out, or worse yet something I did wrong which I can't ever take back, and then down I would go, to spend minutes or hours or days in that state of helpless misery and horror.
That is why I agreed with Plato that every person's life is "a terrible battle". And why I wrote that story that became the first post here that says just getting through the day requires "a man of steel".
It's possible that this sense of abject misery lying in wait at all times was the origin of the attention deficit that has kept me from doing better at work.
But I noticed the other day that this cycle of shame and recrimination wasn't happening the same way. Instead, when I thought of something bad, I would wince or shudder and then say calmly, "Well, I need to do that/avoid that/never do that again," the way other people seem to be able to do without much trouble.
It might just be that I'm getting better at handling things. To look objectively at what I am doing and make a rational judgment about it is what I was going for in all that therapy. And it's one of the things they lean on heavily at Co-Dependents Anonymous. Or maybe I'm kidding myself when I think that I'm getting better at it.
But I don't think so. I really do think that I am thinking more clearly about the world and my place in it.
And I am doubting my own judgment a lot less, too.