Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Never Ask a Question Unless You Are Sure You Can Live With the Answer
Thursday, September 24, 2015
"What Sort of Training Do You Need, My Dear?"
That is an interesting proposition. It reminds me of a time when I stood facing a blank wall and was punched again and again, never knowing where or when the next one would land. I was thinking about that incident just today, as it happens. Problem is, I wasn't a sub doing a scene with my lover. I was a kid being physically and emotionally abused by my brother, his command to remain in position enforced by a savage kick to my kidney or my testicles when I tried to move.
Incidents like that may be why I am a Dom today, I don't know.
But enough about me. How shall I go about training you? Let me think on that.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
The Lies We Tell Ourselves
I tried for the longest time to avoid making that choice. To dream up some way to have things both ways. If I had been a more whole person back then, maybe I could even have found a better way, I don't know. Certainly I could have come to a firm conclusion faster, which would have been easier for all parties concerned.
I thought I had made my decision, but then all at once I was uncertain again. I am not sure how close this situation came to killing me, but I know that I spent a lot of time thinking about ways in which I might suffer a fatal accident, and thus be spared having to make that goddamned decision.
The situation as it stands is far from perfect. None of us has everything we wanted. But I can live with it. Or anyway, I've stopped wishing I were dead.
But how I wish I had not caused so much needless pain to those others. There is no upside to that, and no way to reduce the shame I feel at how I treated the ones who were dearest to me.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Still My Favorite Valentine
Saturday, May 19, 2012
It Really Was, No Kidding
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voqL5ksOuoo
Most likely I will go to my grave unforgiven.
Such is life.
Life goes on.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The McCloud Challenge -- Accepted!

I found an interesting item posted here http://www.lawyersgunsmoneyblog.com/2011/04/ha-ha-ha-not-funny#more-21080 pertaining to a challenge posted here: http://acephalous.typepad.com/acephalous/2011/04/every-quarter-i-present-my-students-with-five-panels-from-mccloud.html and took it up, with results that should be visible at this post.
Not particularly funny, but at least it messes with your expectations, and I think it's not bad for something done off the top of my head.
And generally speaking, I am always up for a chance to plug either Scott McCloud or Acephalous.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The Woman Who Received Many Blessings
D.G. received many blessings, but she was only allowed to keep two of them.
The first thing that happened to her was that she received the gift of life, and that is not a small thing.
She had a fiance who loved her and gave her two daughters. But first her fiance was taken from her, and then her girls.
She suffered for years from a terrible disease, but one day her doctor delivered two blessings: not only had her disease gone into remission, but her disease was one which, if it went away, it never came back.
This was an especial blessing because she was still young enough to have another child, now that she knew she would live long enough to raise it.
She had a boy, and then she learned that the disease which would never come back, had.
D.G. had another man, and he said he would marry her, but when it came down to it, he let her down.
She had a profession which brought her satisfaction and money, but there came a time when she could not work at her trade, so she worked at jobs which gave her too little satisfaction, and far too little money.
In the end, there were only two blessings which would not be taken from her:
First, her son. Even death would not separate them, because he would love his mother forever.
Second, all suffering eventually comes to an end.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
It Doesn't Take Long
And then you don't, anymore, and it really hurts.
And you wait in patient hope of a reunion.
And you do what you can, meanwhile.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Maybe you lost someone -- to death, or circumstance, or estrangement.
Maybe you didn't do something you wanted to. Maybe you didn't stop doing something you shouldn't do.
Maybe you are far from home, or someone close to you is far from home. Maybe home doesn't feel like home anymore.
Hang up a string of lights anyway. Listen to happy music. Or if you can't bear to, at least listen to something encouraging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g4lY8Y3eoo
The year is ending. A new year is coming. It's going to be different from last year, one way or another.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
It Wasn't True
I wrote about how it was that, when it seemed there was no chance I would ever be reconciled with my wife, she asked me to come back and try again, and how my abrupt decision to give her a trial hurt other people.
What I wrote back then was an attempt to paint a gentler picture of what happened, out of a desire to exculpate myself for going back on my word, and to scold someone else for what I perceived as going back on hers.
What I said simply wasn't true, and I think I knew even then that it wasn't.
I was really a mess back then, but that is not an excuse for the many ways in which I hurt the people around me. Having figured out that my mind was confused and disordered, I should have withdrawn from human relationships as much as I could until I knew who I was and what I wanted. Instead, I rushed about in all directions at once, causing harm all around me.
And then I distorted and misrepresented what I had done.
I shouldn't have done that, either.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Try Other Things Before You Try Killing Yourself
http://rm.livejournal.com/1933522.html?view=22593746#t22593746
For the longest time I thought I wasn't wired for suicide, and that this was all that had saved my life on several occasions. Then I really did feel suicidal.
Bupropion helped*. So did reminding myself to mutter "I want to live" under my breath, instead of "I wish I were dead".
* The first antidepressant I tried didn't help, but I found that it's like reporting sexual abuse: if you don't get help from the first person/drug, keep trying until you do.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Head Above Water
But I really do feel very different.
I can now look back over my life and realize just how abnormal it was for me to feel as though I were swimming along the surface of a pool of dirty, stagnant water, trying hard not to disturb my perfect equilibrium of buoyancy lest I sink beneath the surface and have to fight my way back to the air.
The disturbances that could send me sinking were almost any unhappy thought -- regrets from the past, worries about the future, dissatisfaction with the present -- anything upsetting.
It seems a lot easier for me than it ever has been before. I think I will be able to make more progress in my life now.
Maybe. We'll see. I live in hope.
The only alternative is to live without hope.
Friday, July 9, 2010
So Terribly Sorry
And so easy, when a person doesn't trust you, to give offense without meaning to.
So hard to rebuild a friendship.
And when your time is limited....
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Try It And See
"They should hand out free samples on streetcorners," she said. After all, she reasoned, those who weren't helped by it could simply not take it again.
I'm not sure I would go that far, but I do wish that I had tried Wellbutrin sooner.
I'm being cautious here, since I'm only on my second week, but I do think that it is helping.
Last night, I finally got a clear picture in my mind of how I have been living my life these past fifty years: I pictured myself swimming on my back in a sea of foul, dirty water, knowing that at any moment I might make a false move and sink into it.
Or, it's like that kind of dream where you are aware that you are dreaming, but it feels as though if you can ease smoothly into wakefulness without breaking the spell, then the dog really will have come home alive after all -- only the "dream" in this case is the notion that life is worth living.
That's how I have spent most of my life: at any moment, I might remember some obligation I have not yet carried out, or worse yet something I did wrong which I can't ever take back, and then down I would go, to spend minutes or hours or days in that state of helpless misery and horror.
That is why I agreed with Plato that every person's life is "a terrible battle". And why I wrote that story that became the first post here that says just getting through the day requires "a man of steel".
It's possible that this sense of abject misery lying in wait at all times was the origin of the attention deficit that has kept me from doing better at work.
But I noticed the other day that this cycle of shame and recrimination wasn't happening the same way. Instead, when I thought of something bad, I would wince or shudder and then say calmly, "Well, I need to do that/avoid that/never do that again," the way other people seem to be able to do without much trouble.
It might just be that I'm getting better at handling things. To look objectively at what I am doing and make a rational judgment about it is what I was going for in all that therapy. And it's one of the things they lean on heavily at Co-Dependents Anonymous. Or maybe I'm kidding myself when I think that I'm getting better at it.
But I don't think so. I really do think that I am thinking more clearly about the world and my place in it.
And I am doubting my own judgment a lot less, too.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I Can See (A Little More) Clearly Now
When I first met Mrs. Psycho, I was 23 and she was 46, she had been married, she had lived all over the country, she had raised four children, &c. I wanted her but I felt totally outclassed by her.
And now, 26 years later, older myself than she was back then, and having raised four kids my own damn self, I find...that I still feel inferior to her. But now I can see that it's just me.
I also see how much of the misery I have lived with for most of my life really has been my own fault. Not all of it, no, but a lot. And I see how all of it would have been easier to take if only I had been on my own side then whole time.
I have other problems in my life, and not all of them are inside me, but I feel a lot more confident of being able to deal with them now.
Friday, May 28, 2010
To See The Birds Come Back
Charlie came home from school and found Leo sitting on the front step. Leo was Charlie’s favorite grown-up.
“Hey, dudito, how’s it going?”
“Hey, dudissimo, not bad. What are you doing?”
“Just going to take a walk through the trees over by the soccer fields. Want to come?”
Charlie unlocked the door, put away his backpack and came out to join Leo. They headed along the unpaved footpath beside the house, towards the woods that stood between their street of houses and the long row of soccer fields at the edge of town.
“So, what happened at school?”
“We read a poem called ‘Chicken Soup With Rice’. It’s by Maurice Sendak, who wrote In the Night Kitchen. Do you know that poem?”
“Yes, I do. ‘Happy once, happy twice, happy chicken soup with rice’.”
“Anyway, the teacher said we should each of us write a line to add to the poem. It could be about a time of the year, or a particular day of the year, or a time of day. Preston diMallea wrote, ‘At supper time, it’s so nice to eat supper’, and got mad when everybody laughed. Patti Schulz wrote, ‘On Saturday it’s so nice to visit my Grandpa’. And then Tori Garcia said, ‘At dinner time, it’s so nice to have dinner with my Dad’, and Preston diMallea got mad again and said that’s what he meant.”
“Yeah, sounds like a lot went on in that class. So what did you write?”
Charlie gave an embarrassed smile and said, “’In the spring it’s so nice to see the birds come back.’”
Leo stopped walking, staring at the sky between the trees.
“Oh, man, Charlie, you don’t know just how nice that is.”
Charlie put his hand on Leo’s arm. He could tell that Leo was thinking about something that was making him feel funny.
“What do you mean?”
Just then a big bird flew overhead, looking big and black against the blue sky.
“Look at that one. It’s a turkey vulture.”
Charlie made a face.
“Turkey vultures have ugly heads.”
“They have the kind of heads they need for the way they live. And don’t they look beautiful in flight?”
“Yeah. I like how their feathers spread out like fingers.”
They saw a crow on the ground, picking up and eating some piece of garbage. Charlie remembered the story Leo had told about how the Rainbow Bird got blackened into a crow by carrying a smokey torch.
“It is nice, Charlie, to see the birds come back. And not just in the spring. There are more birds every year now.”
“Why is that?”
“Because for a long time, the birds were dying away, and nobody knew why. One day, a woman was walking in the trees in the springtime like we are doing right now, and she noticed that she could hardly hear any birds. And she said to herself, ‘If the birds keep going away, one day there will be no birds at all singing in the springtime. It will be a…silent spring.”
Charlie shuddered at the way Leo said those last words.
They walked along, and it seemed to Charlie as though there were birds everywhere he looked: crows and robins on the ground, big turkey vultures high in the sky, tiny sparrows and meadowlarks in the tree branches.
“So what was happening to the birds?”
“Well, that woman wanted to know, so she studied birds carefully, to find out what was going wrong. Were hunters killing them? Were the birds catching new diseases? Were humans cutting down too many trees, so birds had no place to build their nests? She found out all of those things were happening, but none of them explained why the birds were going away so fast.
“And then she found out that when birds laid their eggs, the shells were too thin, and the eggs broke before the baby birds could grow inside them. Sometimes the eggs broke when the big birds sat on them to keep them warm.”
“Oh, gross!”
“So then she wanted to find out what was making the eggshells so thin, and she found out that it was being caused by DDT, a poison that farmers were using to kill the bugs that were eating their crops. See, the bugs breathed in the DDT, and got sick and died, but there were a few bugs that could live with DDT in them, so those few bugs had lots of babies, and soon all the bugs were safe from DDT, but the farmers kept on using more and more DDT, and the birds were eating those bugs that were full of DDT.
“The thing is, DDT gets into your body and it stays for your whole life. And when a bird ate a hundred bugs, it got a hundred bugs’ worth of DDT inside it, and it stayed. And when that bird ate more bugs the next day, it got even more DDT in it.”
“But not all birds eat bugs, do they?”
“Some birds eat leaves and seeds, but the plants were all full of DDT too. And the birds that ate mice, like owls, or that ate other birds, like hawks, got even more DDT, because they got all the DDT from all the bugs that those mice and birds ate. So the big birds, like turkey vultures and bald eagles, suffered the most of all.”
Charlie shook his head.
“That’s terrible.”
“It was terrible, Charlie. And year after year, there were fewer birds in the sky.”
“But then people stopped using DDT, right?”
“Not at first. They didn’t want to. They said they couldn’t keep growing food unless they used DDT. They said things like, ‘Do you care more about bird babies, or human babies?’
“It took a long time, and lots of work. And the woman who had been worried about the birds had to go all over the world telling people they had to stop using DDT, and to be careful about all of the chemicals they used, for growing food and for other reasons. It was a huge amount of work, because people were stubborn and didn’t want to admit that there was a problem. There was a man who went on TV and ate a spoonful of DDT to show that it wouldn’t kill him, but that was a trick, because one spoonful of DDT won’t do a human a lot of harm – it’s the damage that lots of DDT over a long time can do to all the animals that is the big problem.
“So that woman spent years giving lectures, and writing books, and talking with important people, trying to get them to stop using DDT. And she went right on working so hard, even after her doctor told her that she was very sick, and was going to die soon. She decided she would rather spend her last days trying to save the birds, even though being sick made her very tired all the time and all she wanted to do was rest. And on the day she died, there were still people saying they didn’t want to stop using DDT. But finally, many years later, they finally did stop. And many years after that, the DDT began to go out of the world – slowly, slowly. And the birds started to come back.”
“But she was already dead.”
“Yes, and I think that’s the saddest thing about that woman’s story: not that she died young, but that she died before she could know whether she had saved the birds or not.”
“The birds coming back was her reward, but she didn’t get to see it.”
“No. So I guess it is our job to watch the birds come back for her, and to remember that the birds wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t done all that hard work.”
They came out of the trees at the far end of the long row of soccer fields. There was one big bird flying very high up. Charlie pointed it out. Leo looked for a moment and then squeezed Charlie’s hand.
“That’s not a turkey vulture. Look at its head. It’s bigger than a buzzard’s.”
“And it looks like it’s all white.”
“Charlie, that’s a bald eagle.”
“It’s our country’s bird,” Charlie whispered.
“When I was your age, there were only a few eagles left. I thought that by the time I grew up, they would be gone. I thought I would never see a bald eagle flying free like that one is.”
“But they’re coming back, too, right?”
Leo stroked Charlie’s head.
“That’s right.”
“I’m glad you got to see an eagle, Leo.”
“I’m glad you got to see it, too, Charlie.”
They watched the eagle until it was out of sight.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I Should Be Happier Right Now
Yes, my father is still dying. And yes, I am still pathetically without a decent career, or even a solid job. And the other things.
Still, I don't know what else to do besides keep moving forward.
And bear with this misery in the hope that I will feel better later on.
Friday, May 7, 2010
My Father is Sick
My father is still sick.
My father is sicker.
He is terribly sick, and has been for a long time.
I am sure he is sick of being sick.
It is hard for me to admit it, but I am getting kind of sick of it, too.
I feel guilty about that.
It kind of makes me feel....
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Well, That Sucked
But this morning, I was informed that I will no longer be working for the Census.
I could have done without that.
But hey, life goes on, live and learn, and like that.
Not the first or the worst failure I've ever committed.

