Sunday, April 20, 2008

I'm Sorry, N

Several months ago, my wife asked me to stop seeing N. I agreed, but I continued to exchange e-mails and text messages with her. We called one another by pet names and shared our concerns in a fashion which was more like that of lovers than of friends, but it was always our intention that this connection was intended to serve as a substitute for a romantic relationship, not as a continuation of a relationship held in abeyance. In particular, we used the word "moonlight" as a reference to the Moonlight Sonata, in turn a reference to Beethoven's unrequited love for his student, as a way of saying, "We will not talk of our feelings for one another, but we each know how we feel."

Still, my wife regarded it as a threat to our reconciliation, and she asked me to end it, and I didn't do it. I kept on talking with N, even though I knew my wife didn't approve. I shouldn't have done that. Oh, well, I've done a lot of things I shouldn't, in the last couple of years.

I didn't want to stop talking with N. She was a good friend, before and after our becoming lovers. Talking with her late at night was a high point of my day. And N was having a very hard year, including a very frightening illness, a medical treatment that changed her body in ways that she found very distressing and made her feel unattractive, and other problems that left her feeling a powerful need for a friend, and for someone to tell her that she was indeed loved and lovable, desirable and desired.

But finally, early this morning I told N that we shouldn't talk any longer, not at all. No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails. And N, I'd appreciate it if you didn't post a comment on this post, either.

Our feelings have not changed. But we are not in a position to act upon them, so we will say nothing more about that.

This is one step towards my reconciliation with my wife. I want very much to be reconciled with her, and to continue our marriage. I hope that this will help move us in that direction. We'll see.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Honor Veterans -- Even the Inconvenient Ones

Major Alan G. Rogers was the first out gay man to die in the occupation of Iraq.

Not the way he would have wanted to be remembered -- for one thing, I'm sure he wasn't keen on the dying-at-an-early-age part.

But he was, even though the Department of Defense would rather you didn't hear about him.

Know what, DoD? Tough shit.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Emergency Discussion 4-5-08

We need to:

not bring other people into our arguments

not “survey” because it has that effect

not unilaterally bring in a third party even if the

third party is the subject of discussion

What to do about being unhappy and wanting to

talk about one’s troubles with someone?

a) therapist!

b) check out 12-step programs available locally

Emergency procedure:

One party says “I’m declaring an emergency.”

The situation is immediately interrupted, and the

argument is tabled until the next meeting.

The next meeting is scheduled as soon as possible,

but not within a three hour cooling off period.

The meeting is held on the single subject only.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Letting Go of the Past, For the Moment

"Let us call a halt to discussion of the recent past, for some reasonable time.

"Let there be no mention of recent events by speech or by writing, to one another or to other persons or to public postings, with the sole exception of discussion with our respective personal therapists.

"We will leave the past be for now, and return to past issues that still require consideration only when we are both satisfied that enough time has passed and we are ready to discuss it."

Still Driving Myself Crazy After All These Years

Why do I find it so hard to choose between a woman I have been married to for 23 years, and a woman I have only known for a couple of years, and with whom I was only supposed to have a light and easy relationship, with no string attached?

Why do I find it so hard to choose between a woman with whom I have raised four children, all of them now grown, and the mother of the only biological child I have ever fathered, a beautiful little boy not yet a year old?

Why do I find it so hard to choose between a woman who has shown me a love I would never have thought myself worthy of, over a woman who has shown me a love I would never have thought myself worthy of?

Why is it that having three amazing, intelligent, talented women so profoundly in love with me makes me feel so miserable?

Why is it that with two clear and obvious courses for the rest of my life ahead of me, both good lives full of happiness and bright challenges to be embraced with joy, I feel as though I would rather just fucking die and get it over with?

I remember the MRAs who were harassing me on my old blog, and how they snickered and sneered, anticipating the unhappy future I was so obviously creating for myself. But they supposed that I would wind up with three women hating me, and living in poverty while I paid child support to an ungrateful bitch. Pretty much the opposite of what actually happened, but the life I have now is making me feel so much worse than their scenario would have.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What the fuck do I do now?