"What Sort of Training Do You Need, My Dear?"

"I need be trained into a good submissive. Learn to take whatever is being done to body and not saying or moving.  — a******6"

That is an interesting proposition.  It reminds me of a time when I stood facing a blank wall and was punched again and again, never knowing where or when the next one would land.  I was thinking about that incident just today, as it happens.  Problem is, I wasn't a sub doing a scene with my lover.  I was a kid being physically and emotionally abused by my brother, his command to remain in position enforced by a savage kick to my kidney or my testicles when I tried to move.
Incidents like that may be why I am a Dom today, I don't know.
But enough about me.  How shall I go about training you?  Let me think on that.

Still My Favorite Valentine

Definitely, and by a long chalk: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harlequin_Valentine

The Woman Who Received Many Blessings

Once there was a woman who received many blessings in her life, so let us call her Deo Gratia. "D.G." is a suitable name for her.

D.G. received many blessings, but she was only allowed to keep two of them.

The first thing that happened to her was that she received the gift of life, and that is not a small thing.

She had a fiance who loved her and gave her two daughters. But first her fiance was taken from her, and then her girls.

She suffered for years from a terrible disease, but one day her doctor delivered two blessings: not only had her disease gone into remission, but her disease was one which, if it went away, it never came back.

This was an especial blessing because she was still young enough to have another child, now that she knew she would live long enough to raise it.

She had a boy, and then she learned that the disease which would never come back, had.

D.G. had another man, and he said he would marry her, but when it came down to it, he let her down.

She had a profession which brought her satisfaction and money, but there came a time when she could not work at her trade, so she worked at jobs which gave her too little satisfaction, and far too little money.

In the end, there were only two blessings which would not be taken from her:

First, her son. Even death would not separate them, because he would love his mother forever.

Second, all suffering eventually comes to an end.

Happy 90th Birthday, Ray Bradbury

Here's your present:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1IxOS4VzKM

Here, Put This in Perspective While You're At It

http://www.disinfo.com/2009/12/saturnalia/

What's the Loveliest Part of Your Body?

Over at Shakesville, they're asking readers what part of themselves they like best. Here is my answer:

My hands. I liked them even when I was a fat, awkward teenager, because at least my hands had long slender fingers and muscular palms. When I was a fat, awkward young adult, I still thought my hands looked kind of nice, and I also found out that I could get almost any girl to let me touch her because I gave really good back and foot rubs. Now I am a fat, awkward middle-aged man, and I've had a couple of go-rounds with carpal tunnel syndrome and have to sleep with my hands strapped into immobilization gloves that I call the "anti-Onanism devices", but they still give good touch, and my wife gets downright lyrical about what they do to her, so I like my hands just an awful lot.

Reflections

If I had it to do all over again, how would I do things?

If I could rewrite my life so that it did not include the pain I caused to my wife, and to R, and to N, and to others . . . .

But in that case, I would not have had so many good, rewarding experiences, ranging from the birth of R-boy to the simple good times I had with each of my lovers.

So I am in the position of feeling terribly guilty over actions by which I benefitted immensely, some of which I simply could not wish undone.

So what does that make me?

Maybe just...an American.

Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQgmB8_7ufY

Alas, there is no video of Phil Ochs' "Days of Decision" on YouTube, but at least it was relatively easy to find the lyrics online:

http://www.mp3-download-lyrics.com/music/Phil-Ochs/Days-Of-Decision_118348.html

Do you know of any other songs you like on the subject of "It's time to decide"?

New Perspective

At feministe, quoting from http://collegecallgirl.blogspot.com/ :

One of the cruelest tragedies of the sex industry is that it attracts girls like me who already have skewed ideas about sex and self-worth and then completely reinforces all our secret fears. The men you meet, the whole lifestyle, whispers to you that you were right all along, that all that really matters is being desired.I still struggle every day to change my thinking. It makes me almost sick to my stomach to meet new people whether in a personal or professional capacity, because I worry they will not think I am pretty. Most of my friends are men with whom I have had former dalliances because I just do not feel comfortable around people who I don’t know with certainty find me sexually attractive. In my head, my worth is completely tied up in my appearance and sex. As a result of being abused at a young age, my thinking is fucked. There is something wrong with my brain. No matter how logically I know that who I am is more important than how sexy I look, I have internalized the lesson that it is my sexuality that makes me lovable.Of course, this is a trap that will keep me perpetually insecure because not everyone is always going to be attracted to me. When you feel that perfectly normal fact as a deep blow to your self-esteem, it’s impossible to ever really feel confident.

Fuck.

I wonder what my therapist will say when I show her this and say that Friend Call Girl speaks to my condition? My wife and I joked once about my working as a gigolo. Fuck.

Well, I had already decided that, whether with my wife or with R or with N or on my own, I was going to change some things.

But fuck.

Fuck.

I'm Sorry, N

Several months ago, my wife asked me to stop seeing N. I agreed, but I continued to exchange e-mails and text messages with her. We called one another by pet names and shared our concerns in a fashion which was more like that of lovers than of friends, but it was always our intention that this connection was intended to serve as a substitute for a romantic relationship, not as a continuation of a relationship held in abeyance. In particular, we used the word "moonlight" as a reference to the Moonlight Sonata, in turn a reference to Beethoven's unrequited love for his student, as a way of saying, "We will not talk of our feelings for one another, but we each know how we feel."

Still, my wife regarded it as a threat to our reconciliation, and she asked me to end it, and I didn't do it. I kept on talking with N, even though I knew my wife didn't approve. I shouldn't have done that. Oh, well, I've done a lot of things I shouldn't, in the last couple of years.

I didn't want to stop talking with N. She was a good friend, before and after our becoming lovers. Talking with her late at night was a high point of my day. And N was having a very hard year, including a very frightening illness, a medical treatment that changed her body in ways that she found very distressing and made her feel unattractive, and other problems that left her feeling a powerful need for a friend, and for someone to tell her that she was indeed loved and lovable, desirable and desired.

But finally, early this morning I told N that we shouldn't talk any longer, not at all. No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails. And N, I'd appreciate it if you didn't post a comment on this post, either.

Our feelings have not changed. But we are not in a position to act upon them, so we will say nothing more about that.

This is one step towards my reconciliation with my wife. I want very much to be reconciled with her, and to continue our marriage. I hope that this will help move us in that direction. We'll see.

How I See This Afternoon

Okay, not so heavy a subject, but I still wanted to cover it.

I went out with my wife, riding around with her while she makes her deliveries for work. It's an enjoyable way to spend time, peeking in at out-of-the-way locations, enjoying the sunshine (when the sun is shining), appreciating the interesting architectural details (there are almost always some, although sometimes they're kind of small ones), and talking.

Talking with my wife isn't quite as enjoyable as it used to be, because each of us is a bit gunshy after all the times one of us has hurt the other. Right now we're trying hard not to, but things happen.

After a ride like this afternoon's, I feel as though we could indeed be reconciled. How things will be tomorrow, though, I will try not to wonder about. There's just no way of knowing.

Which Beatles song are you? Your Result: Here Comes the Sun You're an optimistic to the core, and you usually ride out tough times with the future in mind. Winter is your least favorite time of year. Your positive attitude is not overbearing, and others welcome your encouragement.
All You Need is Love
Hey Jude
The Space Between
Twist and Shout
Eleanor Rigby
Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite
Yellow Submarine
Which Beatles song are you? Quizzes for MySpace

Moonlight Sonata

The other day, I heard a musician talk about how Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata was composed, just before he played it.

It seems that Beethoven loved a woman he could not marry. The musician said it was a married woman -- turns out not to be so, but in any event, circumstances prevented them from marrying, and so he dedicated his next composition to her, transmuting his frustration and longing into something beautiful.

Call me dense, but I swear that it never occurred to me until that moment that other people had been where I was, and survived it.