Sunday, April 20, 2008

I'm Sorry, N

Several months ago, my wife asked me to stop seeing N. I agreed, but I continued to exchange e-mails and text messages with her. We called one another by pet names and shared our concerns in a fashion which was more like that of lovers than of friends, but it was always our intention that this connection was intended to serve as a substitute for a romantic relationship, not as a continuation of a relationship held in abeyance. In particular, we used the word "moonlight" as a reference to the Moonlight Sonata, in turn a reference to Beethoven's unrequited love for his student, as a way of saying, "We will not talk of our feelings for one another, but we each know how we feel."

Still, my wife regarded it as a threat to our reconciliation, and she asked me to end it, and I didn't do it. I kept on talking with N, even though I knew my wife didn't approve. I shouldn't have done that. Oh, well, I've done a lot of things I shouldn't, in the last couple of years.

I didn't want to stop talking with N. She was a good friend, before and after our becoming lovers. Talking with her late at night was a high point of my day. And N was having a very hard year, including a very frightening illness, a medical treatment that changed her body in ways that she found very distressing and made her feel unattractive, and other problems that left her feeling a powerful need for a friend, and for someone to tell her that she was indeed loved and lovable, desirable and desired.

But finally, early this morning I told N that we shouldn't talk any longer, not at all. No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails. And N, I'd appreciate it if you didn't post a comment on this post, either.

Our feelings have not changed. But we are not in a position to act upon them, so we will say nothing more about that.

This is one step towards my reconciliation with my wife. I want very much to be reconciled with her, and to continue our marriage. I hope that this will help move us in that direction. We'll see.


still hot said...

Note please that "talking with his wife late at night" is not a high point of his day. When we try it, he can't think of anything to say. Maybe he should have stopped seeing his wife. Just wondering.

still hot said...

Oh, and did I mention that when I had medical problems that changed my body in distressing ways, my husband made me feel unattractive, by, among other things, beginning his relationship with N.

And of course, no pet names for me, nosirree.

Yes, I am bitter. Why wouldn't I be? Okay, it's nice that he finally did stop talking with N, but if he had done it sooner, there would be more to salvage.