I'm Sorry, N

Several months ago, my wife asked me to stop seeing N. I agreed, but I continued to exchange e-mails and text messages with her. We called one another by pet names and shared our concerns in a fashion which was more like that of lovers than of friends, but it was always our intention that this connection was intended to serve as a substitute for a romantic relationship, not as a continuation of a relationship held in abeyance. In particular, we used the word "moonlight" as a reference to the Moonlight Sonata, in turn a reference to Beethoven's unrequited love for his student, as a way of saying, "We will not talk of our feelings for one another, but we each know how we feel."

Still, my wife regarded it as a threat to our reconciliation, and she asked me to end it, and I didn't do it. I kept on talking with N, even though I knew my wife didn't approve. I shouldn't have done that. Oh, well, I've done a lot of things I shouldn't, in the last couple of years.

I didn't want to stop talking with N. She was a good friend, before and after our becoming lovers. Talking with her late at night was a high point of my day. And N was having a very hard year, including a very frightening illness, a medical treatment that changed her body in ways that she found very distressing and made her feel unattractive, and other problems that left her feeling a powerful need for a friend, and for someone to tell her that she was indeed loved and lovable, desirable and desired.

But finally, early this morning I told N that we shouldn't talk any longer, not at all. No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails. And N, I'd appreciate it if you didn't post a comment on this post, either.

Our feelings have not changed. But we are not in a position to act upon them, so we will say nothing more about that.

This is one step towards my reconciliation with my wife. I want very much to be reconciled with her, and to continue our marriage. I hope that this will help move us in that direction. We'll see.